Today is 31/7 now the time is 8.02 pm...about 4 hours more July will bye bye to me and my STPM leave 2 month to prepare...TT
Back to the topic , today i heard name that quite long time no people call me...about 2 years(quite long la!!!><)...What name?..i think those who recognize me will know it...I'm quite sensitive with the word...very sensitive(still haven't say the word is what)..deng..deng ..deng ..is -----"AH GUA" or "AI KU BAO" and etc
Do i really look like ah gua to them?..to those who think i am..i do try to change and i do want to change and i do change already.....But why?why still have people call me with those name?Am i really look or act so? I tired to argue...Tired for all the thing that judging me ...like my friends say..if human can die without feel pain..she will be the one who want die ..
Maybe i can share story why i get those name...><"AH GUA" , "SISSY" , " AI KU BAO"...these name have accompany with me in my grow up process...
"AI KU BAO" this name i get from my mother side family member...erm,i still remember when i'm young and small..i use to use cry this action to look for solution.....i will cry when get scold..cry when no people play with me..time pass and pass...i stated feel or it do that i get boycott from my cousin....after a period of time..."AI KU BAO" have join into my life...now..the relationship between me and my cousin is something like the recognize but a stranger...(sad?)
"SISSY" and "AH GUA" this 2 name came from same story..(did my life full withe story?wakakak)...but the different of the 2 name is only timing...When i study in primary school, i often play with girl rather than boy..this is the only reason i get for those who call me with "SISSY"..but is that wrong for playing with girl ?..Who set the rule?..
When i already stun with the the "SISSY" AND "AI KU BAO" name..."AH GUA" this name start to join my life my world..This word is "hot' when i'm form 2 in secondary school...which i do think that i do act a bit na bed at that time..(BUT Only A bit..jek......my view la).
I still remember who is the one who call me with that name...or the gang..which is my brother friends and classmate...i have say that in the previous blog that i'm different compare to last time..when i'm form 2...to get friends i guess...i'm something like buy friends,perhaps?..i do always treat my "friends" to play in cyber cafe..i don't know how is they treat me?a friends?or only a cash machine?...
After go to form 3...i started to save money.....save cause find out something that make me like heart break..Review back to the work that i have done in the last time..i have to say.KEK KOK WAH U A SUCH A SILLY ,STUPID, BAI CHI !!!!!!!
That's apart the reason why i think i dun have good friends or best friends.....In the form 3 years,i started to pick and choose when be friends with other...calculate all the possible and factor...i be friends to those i think i can or i should...but..i'm not a good mathematics...hence. i fail ...fail to get the correct people or friends..
In this form 6...i want a change...I DEMAND MYSELF TO CHANGE....but why???why i feel treat in the same way as the previous years ?...is that i'm not doing good enough?...for leaving me behind already make me feel sad enough..why still have to listen to those word and name anymore...??why?..can someone answer me?or this is the question i need to search myself?
ERM.....have to stop keep express my feel already..tears is dropping..dunno is because the music effect..(haha)....Just want to say that SORRY to 2 of my friends which is YAN ZHENG and FION...sorry cause make u all "jump" into troublesome...forgive me A..><
Wish u (including me..hope u 2 don't mind)..get 4.0 or the mark u 2 want in the STPM^^...
KAM BA TEH
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Today is 30/7..9.33pm
I can imagine if one day later i have no friends...i very lonely..sad....just all bad assumption ....hence..i scared ..scared from out of friends...scared from boykot from friends...if i want me to judge myself...i do change after start form 6 life..why?i dunno...i just remember how i treat my friends when i'm form 5 and below and now..it is totally different way....(very different keh?)...
I'm someone who scared to live lonely...(i love alone but i hate lonely)....I do..scared and imagine that my friends have back stab me from behind or leave me away...I do try my best to be friends with all people around me..(some don't..><.)..
Friends...meaningful or meaningless..is still an unknown for me.. Good friends..do i have or do i don't..is also an unknown for me..Best friends ..should i ask for it or not?tired from guessing ..tired from guessing something is unknown ...maybe i should learn...learn that something not belongs to me..no matter how i fight also wont get...let it go...let it pass...like wind...it exist..we can feel sometimes we can touch....but wind is something i can't catch...something i enable to catch(maybe someone can)...so..i need to let the wind go,then i can feel the exist of the wind..like how i should let my worried go also..?maybe~~~~~
Just finished reading friends blog...dunno is because having the sad song effect when i reading the blog or what..now just a bit down...which i prefer also..haha..i dunno is the one that my friends blog saying that :"i don't have any best friend or good friend but just friends."...erm..cause if i do say so..maybe i need to specifik it..did i really don't have good friends?maybe i should say,i do treat some of my friends better than other...(is that call good friends)...i dunno how u all justified friends as i have say in the last post blog..
I can imagine if one day later i have no friends...i very lonely..sad....just all bad assumption ....hence..i scared ..scared from out of friends...scared from boykot from friends...if i want me to judge myself...i do change after start form 6 life..why?i dunno...i just remember how i treat my friends when i'm form 5 and below and now..it is totally different way....(very different keh?)...
I'm someone who scared to live lonely...(i love alone but i hate lonely)....I do..scared and imagine that my friends have back stab me from behind or leave me away...I do try my best to be friends with all people around me..(some don't..><.)..
I know i shouldn't always demand for something that shouldn't i ask for or i didn't reach the level where i can demand something.But i'm like "it" where we wish ..or hope we can be important for others...After the 2nd MUET result i start to learn realistic.. just,sometimes.. realistic can't help us to explain all the situation..or help us to handle some situation..now,i'm trying to be more realistic..wish i can be able to learn it fast.
Friends...meaningful or meaningless..is still an unknown for me.. Good friends..do i have or do i don't..is also an unknown for me..Best friends ..should i ask for it or not?tired from guessing ..tired from guessing something is unknown ...maybe i should learn...learn that something not belongs to me..no matter how i fight also wont get...let it go...let it pass...like wind...it exist..we can feel sometimes we can touch....but wind is something i can't catch...something i enable to catch(maybe someone can)...so..i need to let the wind go,then i can feel the exist of the wind..like how i should let my worried go also..?maybe~~~~~
Sunday, July 27, 2008
bored day....can it be funny ?
Today is 27/7..time:6.02pm.
Yesterday got go to a seminar at KLIUC for my PA subject....bored until...><...then i run away in the middle part..haha..(so bad)...but finished my MM homework already..good ^^ My brother have finally graduated ...haha..cause got some problem...hehe..anyway now already doesn't matter cause..GRADUATED LIAO LOL.><..(erm..when is my turn..this year...at yu hua..haha)
Today have to wake up at 6 am..(omg..like my study day...TT scarifies my sleeping time...GOR,u better treat me better A!!!!)..reach RAMAN college at about 8 am..then my mother say need but flower for my brother some more..so expensive la those flower... at finally..deal..RM48..quite big la the flower package..haha..anyway..didn't see my brother got tears..(not suang)....
Then have to sit in the hall for more than 2 hrs...TT..sleepy and boring...(can fight with the KLIUC seminar ..haha)....after that ...take picture ...then my bro didn't charge the battery...(AAAA!!!!!!!..nonsense la)....
After my mom statisfied with the photo session then we back ...my bro?..he go Genting Highland enjoy ..TT
Erm....got pp ask me who is the one i make until angry.(i post a message in the msn messenger.:did i always make u angry???" ..haha..didn't tell anyone who is "the one",...since only 2 people i tell the blog address then i can share the "secret" here..swt..is..is is........is.....(wakaka..if yan zheng reading,i think he want to kill me liao..is so long,will u,yan zheng?^^)...is the "SOMEONE 2" (please refer to my last time blog.><)...
ERM..can write much already...need to go take dinner...then.i stop here^^
P/s:..congratulations to AH GOR^^
Yesterday got go to a seminar at KLIUC for my PA subject....bored until...><...then i run away in the middle part..haha..(so bad)...but finished my MM homework already..good ^^ My brother have finally graduated ...haha..cause got some problem...hehe..anyway now already doesn't matter cause..GRADUATED LIAO LOL.><..(erm..when is my turn..this year...at yu hua..haha)
Today have to wake up at 6 am..(omg..like my study day...TT scarifies my sleeping time...GOR,u better treat me better A!!!!)..reach RAMAN college at about 8 am..then my mother say need but flower for my brother some more..so expensive la those flower... at finally..deal..RM48..quite big la the flower package..haha..anyway..didn't see my brother got tears..(not suang)....
Then have to sit in the hall for more than 2 hrs...TT..sleepy and boring...(can fight with the KLIUC seminar ..haha)....after that ...take picture ...then my bro didn't charge the battery...(AAAA!!!!!!!..nonsense la)....
After my mom statisfied with the photo session then we back ...my bro?..he go Genting Highland enjoy ..TT
Erm....got pp ask me who is the one i make until angry.(i post a message in the msn messenger.:did i always make u angry???" ..haha..didn't tell anyone who is "the one",...since only 2 people i tell the blog address then i can share the "secret" here..swt..is..is is........is.....(wakaka..if yan zheng reading,i think he want to kill me liao..is so long,will u,yan zheng?^^)...is the "SOMEONE 2" (please refer to my last time blog.><)...
ERM..can write much already...need to go take dinner...then.i stop here^^
P/s:..congratulations to AH GOR^^
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Today is 22/7, time now i s 7.36pm..
Erm....today ,one of my friends is unhappy.....why?It is due to "it' friends(shall i name my friends with 'it"?><) For me,"it" is a quite sensitive person(so do i)..what the problem cause by "it" friends is ...... Maybe i should ask how is the human being or you judge a word call friendship??? For me,friends is something necessary thing or relation between human...(i dunno how will u think of it).anyway.."it" feel unhappy cause got 1 friends which "it" feel want to be good friends to sometimes treat 'it" cool and sometimes hot...(hope u all get my point).. Since i didn't "view" my blog as a place for me to write diary....but more like a place to write my story...shall we begin my story? ~STORY BEGIN~ "it' want be good friends with someone who "it" think is important for "it"..but the "someone1" like ignoring 'it" or maybe just feel normal to "it" cause 'someone1" have quite doz of friends..when 'it" tell me the full story about how "it' feel .''it" nearly want to cry or tears might want to pop out at that moment..(i can fully understand how 'it' feel..cause i have same experience) ... how to say i have same experience 2?...erm..i mostly same like 'it" which will want to be good friends to other 'someone1'...but..did i fail?..i dunno...i think now i'm more like needed came..useless leave situation..>
i dunno how the one that i want be good friends to think about me...friends?stranger?..or a certain level beyond stranger?...i dunno...i remember i have ask some friends(including the 'someone2'..what will you do when u find out that your friends who be friends with you with purpose?...(but..i didn't get any conclusion)...for a period of time..i think 'someone2' is using me to get closer to my other friends..( that how i feel)..
That's what i feel....USING ME...those past story i won't write it here but maybe can share some present story..haha..I find out that 'someone2' treat me different or to say is a bit (not suang) me compare to the way 'someone2' treat other friends.(i'm really muka tembok,haha.TT)....And..i have a conclusion today....my assumption and view point is correct..shouldn't i be sad now?..yes i do..but ...since i already know it..so it doesn't matter or a big problem...
Sometimes..'someone2' will treat me better..but with condition i think which is when we a in a group of member .....i remember last time when me and a gang of friends go to climb mountain(small mountain only)...that day i pretty down...i'm the one who walk 1st in the group...
i think no one know why i'm isolated myself..erm..haha..then i can say it out here..cause:I WANT TO NOT SEE "SOMEONE2'..why?to avoid i being more down...( something happen before the day)
~END OF THE STORY~
I tell 'it' dun think and care to much....(easier say than done)....but i can say is..although that is bad memory between u and someone u care...but..it is due to the reason u and the one important to u have a wonderful and happy time before
Tears will drop for someone important for u...although one day later,there is no more tears....the feel or heart will still bring u to the one we wish to be 2......
P/S:hope "it"--u will be fine soon..
Erm....today ,one of my friends is unhappy.....why?It is due to "it' friends(shall i name my friends with 'it"?><) For me,"it" is a quite sensitive person(so do i)..what the problem cause by "it" friends is ...... Maybe i should ask how is the human being or you judge a word call friendship??? For me,friends is something necessary thing or relation between human...(i dunno how will u think of it).anyway.."it" feel unhappy cause got 1 friends which "it" feel want to be good friends to sometimes treat 'it" cool and sometimes hot...(hope u all get my point).. Since i didn't "view" my blog as a place for me to write diary....but more like a place to write my story...shall we begin my story? ~STORY BEGIN~ "it' want be good friends with someone who "it" think is important for "it"..but the "someone1" like ignoring 'it" or maybe just feel normal to "it" cause 'someone1" have quite doz of friends..when 'it" tell me the full story about how "it' feel .''it" nearly want to cry or tears might want to pop out at that moment..(i can fully understand how 'it' feel..cause i have same experience) ... how to say i have same experience 2?...erm..i mostly same like 'it" which will want to be good friends to other 'someone1'...but..did i fail?..i dunno...i think now i'm more like needed came..useless leave situation..>
i dunno how the one that i want be good friends to think about me...friends?stranger?..or a certain level beyond stranger?...i dunno...i remember i have ask some friends(including the 'someone2'..what will you do when u find out that your friends who be friends with you with purpose?...(but..i didn't get any conclusion)...for a period of time..i think 'someone2' is using me to get closer to my other friends..( that how i feel)..
That's what i feel....USING ME...those past story i won't write it here but maybe can share some present story..haha..I find out that 'someone2' treat me different or to say is a bit (not suang) me compare to the way 'someone2' treat other friends.(i'm really muka tembok,haha.TT)....And..i have a conclusion today....my assumption and view point is correct..shouldn't i be sad now?..yes i do..but ...since i already know it..so it doesn't matter or a big problem...
Sometimes..'someone2' will treat me better..but with condition i think which is when we a in a group of member .....i remember last time when me and a gang of friends go to climb mountain(small mountain only)...that day i pretty down...i'm the one who walk 1st in the group...
i think no one know why i'm isolated myself..erm..haha..then i can say it out here..cause:I WANT TO NOT SEE "SOMEONE2'..why?to avoid i being more down...( something happen before the day)
~END OF THE STORY~
I tell 'it' dun think and care to much....(easier say than done)....but i can say is..although that is bad memory between u and someone u care...but..it is due to the reason u and the one important to u have a wonderful and happy time before
Tears will drop for someone important for u...although one day later,there is no more tears....the feel or heart will still bring u to the one we wish to be 2......
P/S:hope "it"--u will be fine soon..
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Today is 19/7.saturday..now is 10.47....now quite angry and upset (a bit)..why?
Today i plan to play and crazy with my 6AS1 friends...but..i have to go seremban to celebrate my grandmother birthday...><..i' m the one who suggest to BBQ!!!!...but i cant join my friends...T.T
but..never mind at 1st cause i didn't go back to seremban for 6 month...haha.(so bad me...bad grandchild) ...
But..what i assume is correct or what i guess is correct..that's no point i go back..beside celebrate my grandmother birthday....my assumption which is i' m hollowed to them...them stand for who?is my cousin my uncle and my aunt(mother side)..at the restaurant...when my uncle say drink the wine...me, my mom and my bro stand up...but i don't know he really didn't saw me or what..my bro and my mom also he say cheers but..when my turn he skip me and go to his children who is sitting down...omg..so pai se me...i know i 'm not a important humans for them but plz..i'm standing up that moment ..don't say u didn't see me...
2nd event....when we reach to the restaurant ...then my mom say want to lock the car...and i say i want to do since i' m so boring....if ordinary which is my bro do it..my uncle will wait him..but,,this i didn't expect he will wait me also..haha..
3rd...when we go seremban ..cause my parents say use drive my car--myvi to go...although i know my mom scared to fetch by me..but cant she just pretend to allowed me drive..that's my car..ok!!!!..is that i'm so untrustable?
4rd..which i don't want go seremban..is because i'm hollow to them and also..i have nothing to do...when i talk to my cousin(girl)..the way she answer me and to my bro is different...i dunno is that i'm so jerk or what?~~!!!...am i sad...no..this word is meaningless for my relationship with my relatives...i cant find a good word to describe our relationship....no even one..
5rd..at 1st ...my mom say after back from seremban she will allowed me go to the BBQ..but after the dinner..at car..she say ..cause today is celebrate my grandmother birthday...then cause at 1st the BBQ event is to celebrate my friends--fion birthday...then she say scared something bad thing happen...but i tell her that we have change our plan to gathering..not celebration party..but guess what she say.....those food u all plan is want to celebrate the birthday ma..(omg...then i tell my mom..:"don't talk the thing to me already..before i mad and angry")
AIKZ.....am i a bad boy? or...should i been treat so?...i deserve it?
I dunno...i lazy in guessing game...i tired...already guess for more than 10 years...i tired..i gives up...but i want to say sorry to my grandmother...sorry for not going to her house so often or compare to last time...sorry...
P/S: wish my grandmother always healthy and happy
Today i plan to play and crazy with my 6AS1 friends...but..i have to go seremban to celebrate my grandmother birthday...><..i' m the one who suggest to BBQ!!!!...but i cant join my friends...T.T
but..never mind at 1st cause i didn't go back to seremban for 6 month...haha.(so bad me...bad grandchild) ...
But..what i assume is correct or what i guess is correct..that's no point i go back..beside celebrate my grandmother birthday....my assumption which is i' m hollowed to them...them stand for who?is my cousin my uncle and my aunt(mother side)..at the restaurant...when my uncle say drink the wine...me, my mom and my bro stand up...but i don't know he really didn't saw me or what..my bro and my mom also he say cheers but..when my turn he skip me and go to his children who is sitting down...omg..so pai se me...i know i 'm not a important humans for them but plz..i'm standing up that moment ..don't say u didn't see me...
2nd event....when we reach to the restaurant ...then my mom say want to lock the car...and i say i want to do since i' m so boring....if ordinary which is my bro do it..my uncle will wait him..but,,this i didn't expect he will wait me also..haha..
3rd...when we go seremban ..cause my parents say use drive my car--myvi to go...although i know my mom scared to fetch by me..but cant she just pretend to allowed me drive..that's my car..ok!!!!..is that i'm so untrustable?
4rd..which i don't want go seremban..is because i'm hollow to them and also..i have nothing to do...when i talk to my cousin(girl)..the way she answer me and to my bro is different...i dunno is that i'm so jerk or what?~~!!!...am i sad...no..this word is meaningless for my relationship with my relatives...i cant find a good word to describe our relationship....no even one..
5rd..at 1st ...my mom say after back from seremban she will allowed me go to the BBQ..but after the dinner..at car..she say ..cause today is celebrate my grandmother birthday...then cause at 1st the BBQ event is to celebrate my friends--fion birthday...then she say scared something bad thing happen...but i tell her that we have change our plan to gathering..not celebration party..but guess what she say.....those food u all plan is want to celebrate the birthday ma..(omg...then i tell my mom..:"don't talk the thing to me already..before i mad and angry")
AIKZ.....am i a bad boy? or...should i been treat so?...i deserve it?
I dunno...i lazy in guessing game...i tired...already guess for more than 10 years...i tired..i gives up...but i want to say sorry to my grandmother...sorry for not going to her house so often or compare to last time...sorry...
P/S: wish my grandmother always healthy and happy
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Today 16/7.....i really want to post this blog..wish i have the spirit to finished it and post it on...haha
My MUET result came out today....i get band 3 just like last years..just cant forget the feel at that time...suck?lame?...i 'm not sure how to describe..but what i know is my tears 'pop' out like it never end...like now....i'm notwish or aim to get band 5 or6...why i cant get band 4...WHY!!!....i .i just want scream now...or do anything to release my stress...><(do i stress now?)
Friends all suggest me to let it go....i want to do ..but i just cant.....i remember yesterday night,i saw a friends msn message..which say something.."be myself"....seems critic to me..i dont even know what who is myself or how is my true personality.....am i fake in front of my frens, and my family?i dunno..or i'm not sure..sometimes..or..i do always hide my feeling in front of all..i angry but i show i'm not..i'm confuse..but i show i'm not..i only show upset to them when i really cant handle anymore...i remember that i have told 1 of my fren that i'm a good lier..i think i do...cause i already forget who is me...i lie to myself for not being myself..be the one my friends and my family want..
I try to speak it out..but i'm not dare..scared about the consequence?..perhaps..my brain is so blur now...and..pain...i dont think i can write anymore..erm,i will continue next time...when my feel back to normal 1st
My MUET result came out today....i get band 3 just like last years..just cant forget the feel at that time...suck?lame?...i 'm not sure how to describe..but what i know is my tears 'pop' out like it never end...like now....i'm notwish or aim to get band 5 or6...why i cant get band 4...WHY!!!....i .i just want scream now...or do anything to release my stress...><(do i stress now?)
Friends all suggest me to let it go....i want to do ..but i just cant.....i remember yesterday night,i saw a friends msn message..which say something.."be myself"....seems critic to me..i dont even know what who is myself or how is my true personality.....am i fake in front of my frens, and my family?i dunno..or i'm not sure..sometimes..or..i do always hide my feeling in front of all..i angry but i show i'm not..i'm confuse..but i show i'm not..i only show upset to them when i really cant handle anymore...i remember that i have told 1 of my fren that i'm a good lier..i think i do...cause i already forget who is me...i lie to myself for not being myself..be the one my friends and my family want..
I try to speak it out..but i'm not dare..scared about the consequence?..perhaps..my brain is so blur now...and..pain...i dont think i can write anymore..erm,i will continue next time...when my feel back to normal 1st
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